Welcome to year 22 and episode 400! Fun show this week (except for the part where Brian thinks he’s going to lose his house): Let’s break down that 400 episodes, and it’s some sad shit | sucking dick and balls from the back | Brian’s natural enemy is an old man at Staples | the boys hate corporate speak | Jeff is getting his retirement plan together | a Secret Service agent was jerking off in a Miami hotel hallway | a school director was sentenced for running a fight club with autistic kids | white singers never sounded better than in the 1970s (Humble Pie, Linda Ronstadt, Orleans) | Brian read a book about the Bernie Goetz shooting | man sets world record (we think) for pulling a car with his cock, while on fire | Feel Good Story of the Week: Hundreds of dogs set world record for largest dog pool party | a guy walked onto the runway at the Denver airport, with predictable results | Epstein Injuries | Old Timey Guy drops by to discuss wing walkers | Lefties love trains the same way autistics love trains | and finally, the Rousey and Carano fight is this weekend.

Brian is already collecting clips for Jocktober. Also: If you listen to us on Spotify, this is your warning to find another way | Brian is looking at Rumble | a great clip from the Bob Kevoian tribute show | D4vd had a LOT of child porn on his phone | the boys watch a great video of a matador getting gored in his asshole, which makes them very happy | you want to root for the 20-year-old Taco Bell employee who shot at people, until you hear the whole story | Lohn John Silver’s has to be a money laundering scheme | Brian’s dad has his own agenda | a woman running for office in Utah was accused of forcing herself on four other women | a guy who used to own the Home Alone house killed himself, for a somewhat predictable reason | kid touchers should be encouraged to kill themselves | the Justice Department wants to bring back firing squads | Brian loves “thank you for your attention to this matter” | the trigger mechanism b/w sitting in pudding | Klock | and finally, discussing gimmick shows for this season.

Jeff wants to know how Brian is staying so fat and sassy despite being out of work since last December. (There’s a method, but it’s pretty controversial.) Also: The Wises are not known for their plumbing | Bob Kevoian died | Brian reiterates that when he dies, people should feel free to fuck his corpse | a Titanic exhibit in Chicago ironically got flooded out, twice | Godsmack and Waylon Jennings | D4vd was (finally) arrested | Sabrina Carpenter | Brian: “By the way, don’t wake me up for a fuckin’ kid abduction” | a “former” prostitute denies involvement in a prostitution ring, is promptly arrested | Jesse Epstein drops by | group sets the world record for the most people dressed as dinosaurs | the cuck chair should replace the maple leaf as Canada’s national symbol | a 63-year-old man was caught jerking off in a company van | undercover jerkin’ | and finally, “Undercover Angel” by Alan O’Day should be the white national anthem.

Brian accidentally pauses the show open, and we’re off to the races. On Eric Swalwell, Brian doesn’t understand how sending a cock pic is still a move | The Captain | Brian thinks he finally has a name for his dick | Tony Gonzales’s side piece set herself on fire | Huma Abedin’s memoir, beta male husband, and Middle East Face | Sharknado | Mort and Frances | Bahamian police released the guy who definitely didn’t kill his wife (wink) | it must feel amazing once you’ve finally decided to kill your wife | the HOA thief, and possible hero, turned herself in | a large Blizzard | the Michigan bank roll | Baby Jessica was arrested for domestic violence | a cop at an active crime scene was scrolling through a dating app | the boys try to do a feel good news story about a lost kangaroo and the show completely derails | Brian is outraged by country music’s obsession with cold beer | Willem Dafoe is method acting | Super Humman’s Super Slide of Carnage Part Two, Spring Special Style | and finally, Brian wants to drive drunk.

This week, Windows is a cancer on home computing. Also: Brian found out TGO Radio is one of the 10-20 longest running podcasts ever | saying goodbye | so far, the carny half is winning | a minty fresh load | Brian had lunch with Morbidly O’Beast | Brian floats the idea of hiring a third mic | True Grit | Brian is still watching way too much “Big Bang Theory” | a toddler was bitten by a wolf because her parents, apparently, are shit | minor injuries | an American woman in the Bahamas “fell off a boat” | Patrice O’Neal on Natalee Holloway | “Rock Lobster” | a woman who looks like the Joker stole $200,000 from HOAs, and the boys are torn | a symphony of flatulence | and finally, the studio is much too hot today.

This week, Trixie had a colonoscopy, and got some of that sweet, sweet Michael Jackson juice. Also: Tiger Woods sucks, a lot | Brian’s Tiger Woods theory | sneeze aborshes | Kristi Noem’s husband likes to wear big, fake, plastic tits | Trump is living his best life | presidential libraries | Australia is adding the “succulent Chinese meal” rant to its National Film and Sound Archive | kids are playing a game called “Five Nights at Epstein’s” | Jesse Epstein | Brian wants a copy of Epstein’s Clinton-in-a-dress painting | white flour | a dummy snuck into a cop car and died after a few days | forced vasectomies | a man assaulted a woman who was dressed as the Easter Bunny | flashback to that great old Opie and Anthony April Fool’s gag | a woman pushing a dog in a stroller strips down and hits a grocery store clerk | the Roscars | sex with Whoopi Goldberg | and finally, Mike and David Lee.

It’s an April Fool’s Day miracle! We’ll do two shows this week, this first one covering only the things that matter, such as: Brian is confused about an old AC/DC lyric | The Dump Out | Lou Gramm | a quadruple amputee killed a guy and dumped the body in someone’s yard | a former NFL linebacker probably killed his girlfriend and used ChatGPT to get away with it | the life of Tom Griswold, at parties | a cop quit her job because she was caught posting feet pics during work hours | a man diagnosed with terminal cancer goes on a shooting spree | The King of Comedy | Tony Randall | Martha Raye’s enormous mouth | 60s era Klan materials were found in a Mississippi police headquarters | a strawberry shit shake | Midgie Wick | Bill Cosby | and finally, the search for someone normal.

There was absolutely no news this week, so strap in and listen as two old men babble on about: How many more years? | The Dead Pool (is tied at 1-1) | the Afroman videos are great | Jeff spent six months in WalMart this afternoon, but really is too much of a cranky old man to be in public | Brian wants child strength mace | Jeff: “Small talk is for losers and idiots.” | Brian’s condition for organ donation | Brian fucked a girl half his age (b/w The Big Ol’ Aborsh) | since there’s no news, the Boys listen to some random audio clips Brian’s been collecting (Ranjeet the Indian wife beater, Street Kings, Garden State, Kill Tony, the guy translating “Circle of Life,” and Help, Who’s Talking? | Life hates Brian (except for that one thing), and he doesn’t care what that girl’s problem is | Venezuela won the World Baseball Classic | paralympic hockey and disabled cars | and finally, Brian still watches wrestling. Recorded March 18 for broadcast March 27.

This week, Old Timey Guy is talking to you about TVs. Also: Penny Marshall was a butterface | Jeff has thoughts on the next Iranian paralympic team | Brian accidentally saw two male black midgie porn stars taking on a white girl | Brian and Jeff both have stories about shitting themselves | Women’s Night | Brian has a fetish for championship rings, belts, and trophies | the Washington Department of Licensing had an AI problem | how can you not hate doublespeak? | a prophet attacks a Chinese restaurant owner for a perfectly logical reason | Jeff just now learned there’s going to be a UFC event on the White House South Lawn | Anthony Cumia had a run-in with some guy on the street | a drunk Canadian went after the flamingos at the Flamnigo Casino in Las Vegas | Brian no-sells an update on a four-year-old story | and finally, Brian isn’t saying he’d run his most recent ex if she were crossing the street, he’s just saying he wouldn’t slow down. Recorded on March 11 for broadcast on March 20.

This week, did you hear how Helen Keller burned her face? Also: Brian is watching way too much “Big Bang Theory” | how does it look once AI replaces millions of us? | George Thorogood | the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees are out | Michael Hutchence | Foo Fighters | getting your mind right | a delivery robot is running wild | Balsam Specific | Brian refers to Doctor Genius as Doctor Obvious | Temu Rick Rubin had sex with a dead deer | a man got naked, drank some floor cleaner, and stole an ambulance | and finally, a North Carolina man says he has the world’s smallest cock.